A FaceBook friend posted this link recently and it caused me to take great pause. I have some really strong feelings about marriage (not that I have ever voiced them on here). Ha, yeah right, that is a joke! You also know I have some very strong feelings on divorce and have blogged that subject as well. So when my FB friend posted this link, the title made me click because I have already married the one I love and I'm like wahhhaat? So I read it and thought hmmmm. Now I am sharing with you and wonder what you think...
I'll tell you the title gives my mind a challenge from the getgo! I mean seriously then why would you marry if not for love? At least that is what my brain is saying...however, some of the points she makes, make sense to me. Like I said it made my brain go hmmmmm.
I am linking the entire article and I am cutting and pasting the entire article is as well. I hope this isn't against any bloggy copyright rules. If it is and I am informed you will see the content disappear but the link will remain. And just to be safe the author of this piece is NOT me it is Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. I want to make that abundantly clear, this is not me, it's something I read from a FB post and I am sharing because the whole think was extremely thought provoking IMO. Without further ado!
For many young girls, being a bride is the closest thing possible to living out childhood
fantasies of being a princess. The wedding industry and bridal
magazines collaborate in spinning the myth. Find the perfect prince, put
on the perfect wedding pageant and live happily ever after. It’s an
alluring story for almost everyone. How could it not be? For the
unhappy, the alone, and the lonely it can be an intoxicating idea.
Getting married can seem like the end of all a girl’s problems. Getting
married can seem like a way to get a new start.
It doesn’t work that way. Marrying as a solution to painful
circumstances almost never leads to a good and lasting marriage.
Marriages that are a conscious or unconscious way out of a difficult
situation don’t have the staying power that comes with mature love,
shared values and a commitment to the future by two mature adults.
Here are my top five mistaken reasons that people marry:
1. To escape the family of origin.
Jackey’s parents are brutal. She hasn’t felt loved just about ever.
Her mother is constantly critical. Her father scares her, especially
when he drinks. Her younger sister seems bent on setting her up to be
the target so she can fly under the radar of parental chaos. For
Jackey, marrying her boyfriend as soon as they graduate from high school
this June seems like a way out.
Yes, some families are abusive. Some parents don’t know how to love
and protect. Some are so toxic that the only way to survive is to flee.
But flight into an early marriage with a teenage sweetheart or just
anybody who is willing isn’t a good enough foundation for a marriage.
The fear that spurs flight can cloud a person’s judgment about who would
really make a good partner. It’s easy to romanticize someone who offers
an alternative to daily ridicule and pain.
2. Because it’s the next logical thing.
Tony and Melody have been dating since they were 14. Neither of them
has ever dated anyone else or even considered it. They’ve been best
friends and lovers through their teen years, went to the same college,
and have been talking for years about what kind of house they’d like to
have someday and what their kids’ names will be. Tony’s parents adore
Melody. Melody’s parents think Tony is a fine match for their daughter.
It only makes sense for them to get married. Or does it?
Neither Tony nor Melody has a clue about who they are without the
other. They have never tested themselves as individuals; never been
anywhere or done anything significant that didn’t involve the other.
Sometimes couples like them can last. But often enough, the growing up
that happens in the 20s means growing apart. As they enter careers that
introduce them to new people and new experiences, one or the other of
them may well begin to wonder if they would make the same choice now as
they did when they were 14.
3. To fix the other person.
Joey and Maryanne agree on one important thing: He needs fixing. He
needs her. He feels empty and desperate without her. He says he will die
if she leaves him. He has even threatened suicide if she tries. She has
an idea that she can rescue him and that she gives meaning to his life.
That idea gives meaning to hers.
Neither of these people has a strong sense of self or life goals they
are passionate about. The intensity of their relationship consumes them
and distracts them from finding and maintaining good friends or good
work. They are each other’s everything. What they fail to understand is
that by being so wrapped up in the drama of “saving” him, neither one of
them is developing personally into the adult they could be. It’s
unlikely that Maryanne can “save” Joey when Joey doesn’t really want to
stand on his own feet. A marriage created on these terms is likely to be
disastrous for them both.
4. To legitimize sex.
Angie and Nick both come from deeply religious families. Angie
pledged she would stay pure until marriage. Nick agreed that it was very
important to wait until their wedding to have sex. But a combination of
hormones and alcohol overtook those good intentions. They had sex. They
liked it. They rationalized continuing to be intimate but the guilt
that came with it made them both miserable. To them, getting married
makes going against their own values at least a little okay. Never mind
that they each had some doubts about the relationship before they fell
into bed with each other. Never mind that they each still kind of blame
the other for what happened. Those seeds of doubt and blame are likely
to fester and grow. Marriage may make them feel less guilty about having
sex but it won’t resolve other issues that undermine their
relationship.
5. To avoid being alone.
Robyn is terrified. She’s always had a boyfriend since she was 13.
She has dated a number of guys but always had someone new lined up
before she ended a relationship. Now 22, she’s just been dumped by the
most recent boyfriend for being too needy. A demanding project at work
has meant long hours at the office and no time to look for someone new.
She hates being alone in her apartment at night. She doesn’t know what
to do with herself on weekends. She feels empty and scared. She’s tried
calling her ex but he’s put off by her tears. She’s running through her
files for someone, anyone, who can fill up the hole in her life. She’s
likely to fall into marriage with the first guy who shows interest just
so she’ll never have to feel this way again.
Marriage does provide a partner in life but it doesn’t guarantee that
the partner will be good at partnering. Sometimes people like Robyn
luck out and find someone who is truly willing and able to be their best
friend and companion. More often, they are terribly disappointed. In
their rush to marry to fend off their fear of abandonment, they didn’t
take the time to find someone who shared their interests and values.
Men can be as vulnerable to making these mistakes as women.
Older people aren’t exempt either. Regardless of age or gender, the
desire to marry, to have a constant partner, and to share a life is a
healthy one. However, a wedding that’s a mistaken solution to personal
or couple problems won’t guarantee a happily-ever-after marriage. That
requires a union of two complete and whole adults who love each other
deeply, unselfishly, and respectfully and who share a commitment to keep
their wedding vows. Only then can a bond be created that withstands
life’s challenges and deepens over time.
What say you? I know there are readers out there and you do not comment, you check in faithfully, sometimes you email me privately a comment or even comment my FB page about a blogpost you liked, loved or whatever, however, I would love to see some comments here on the blog itself. Come on, come out of lurker mode, it's painless, really! Besides I know you are visiting, I have blogtracker on my blog. Yeah, I know you probably didn't realize that. Sorry, it's just a way for me to see if people are reading and they are they just aren't commenting. I do that too on some of the blogs I read so it's not like it's not okay but I would like to hear from you, so check it! Just do it, okay? All right, good!
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